I am heart-broken for both the biological father and the
adoptive parents. This is the
disaster-type scenario that keeps me up at night – and I’m sure other adoptive
parents as well – that someone lied or manipulated information during an
adoption and shut out a family member who would have been willing to be the
parent of a child.
The facts in this matter are unclear. I’ve looked at a few articles, and from what
I can tell, the biological mother of the little girl in question gave birth in
Utah because of loose adoption laws. She
lied about the address of the biological father – her estranged husband – to keep
the decision from him. She lied about
his involvement with the child to the agency, saying he wanted no part in their
child’s life. The biological father
attempted to dispute the pregnancy, but the agency in question didn’t follow
up, either due to mismanagement or willful misconduct. The adoptive family, most likely in an
attempt to connect their child to her biological family, contacted the
biological father, who at that time – three months after the adoption was
finalized – alerted them that he would be contesting the adoption.
I am so glad I don’t have to make the final decision
here. What a burden that will dramatically
and traumatically affect two families.
I scanned through the articles online and checked out the
comments. They didn’t surprise me, but
they may surprise others. The main theme
was this: the adoptive parents are at fault.
They should have known better and should have returned the child as soon
as the problem was discovered.
People seem to have a romantic, fairy-tale version of
adoption in their minds, and when real life doesn’t pan out as they have imagined
it to be, the adoptive parents go from story-hero to story-villain. Should the adoptive parents have known
better? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. But I imagine not.
We aren’t given a complete history of our child’s life, even
in situations where the adoptive parents are present at the child’s birth. Angie and I were given about a half of a ream
of paper about our son, but it certainly wasn’t complete. The adoptive mother gave a story that we
believe, but is it the full story? All
we have to trust is her word, and the word of the government and court system
in Colombia. Of course, we believe his back-story, but we’ve heard enough
stories from other adoptive families to know it is incomplete at best.
The adoptive parents were told the biological father wanted
no part in their child’s life and hadn’t formally contested the adoption. On their own, they still attempted to make
contact to finalize the process in their own minds. They took an additional step that was not
required, and now are being villainized for it.
Here’s where it gets tough for me – the question of if they
should have returned the child immediately when the problem was discovered? I HATE this question. Of course, the
biological father was wronged by the system.
But the parents? How do you just give up your child?
There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding of adoption
in the world today. When we adopt, we
aren’t buying a car, or a stereo. Our
child isn’t a product we’ve purchased. Nothing like it, in fact. Ready for the surprise? Adoptive parents love
their children. REALLY! Just as much as
parents love their biological children! In fact, there have been surveys of
families, similar to the Freis, about the love they feel for their biological
versus their adoptive children. Each
family reports that they love their adoptive children just as much as their
biological children. The reason is
pretty simple: love has nothing to do with a biological connection. It certainly helps form the bond in the early
stages, but time spent together, fulfilling each other’s needs? That forms the
bond.
So it surprises me when someone can’t understand why a
parent wouldn’t just give the child back after three months. Would you expect the
same of a biological parent? And, why
not? I challenge you to think about this
if you haven’t already. There is a bond
between the Freis and their daughter.
They changed her diapers and fed her.
They bought her things and played with her. They kissed her boo-boos and
tucked her in at night. They watched her
get her first teeth, and watched her take her first steps. They are the only parents she’s ever known. She has a routine, she has friends, and she
has siblings.
But it is so simple for others not ‘in-the-know’ to blame
the adoptive parents. “They won’t give the biological father back his property!” It’s just not that easy.
So again, I’m glad I don't have to make the decision the
judge was forced to. I don’t want to be
in his shoes. If I were in Mr. Frei’s shoes? I would fight for my daughter. The three months that they spent with her
before they knew there was a problem may not seem much to you, but it is a
lifetime when you are raising your child.
I don’t want to linger on a negative situation, but I want
to make positive change in my circle because of it. So: here’s
my task for you. You are now an
ambassador for adoptive families. Congratulations!
Here are your talking points:
1) Adoptive families are real families.
1) Adoptive families are real families.
2) Adoptive parents are real parents.
3) Adoptive children are real children.
4) Biological families and biological parents shouldn’t be
referred to as ‘real’ parents or ‘real’ families. They may be a part of an adoptive child’s
life, or they may not.
5) Adoptive parents love their children, just like
biological parents love biological children. No more, no less.
6) Adoptive parents are given limited information, and have
no choice but to trust court documents and their agencies.
7) Sensationalized stories are just that:
sensationalized. There is a lot of
back-story. There are many wronged
parties, and the adoptive parents are one of them.
This is just a short list, so expect more homework
later! Thank you for taking on your new role;
it is a pleasure to work with you!
