We finally got our packet of our paperwork in to Children's Family Home Society - the group that will help us with our adoption choices. Right now, we are leaning towards adopting from Ethiopia first, and doing an embryo adoption down the road. It's exciting and nerve racking at the same time. It's really hard to be patient for the next step, but impatience has been the mood for 3 years; I don't know why it should be any different now.
Confession time: It's been very hard for Angie and me to go to church during this trial. I mentioned in another post that my brother died 6 years ago. During my grief of losing him, it was very easy to slip into the thought pattern of 'Why would a loving God do this? Can God really exist?' Coming through that process strengthened my own faith, as I felt healed by His love through others - family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc.
But now we're back to square one. Again, why would a loving God do this?
I know enough now that there is a randomness to life that God doesn't control.
*1 Kings 19:11-12 "And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD. And, behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake: but the LORD was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice."
To me, this says there are things that God doesn't control. Even the most ardent believer in the dominion of God will state that humans have our own freewill. But this passage has always spoken further to me that random geological and meteorological events are outside of God's doing. Perhaps biological events fit inside this verse as well.
But, and there is always a but, there are people who have prayed and prayed, and have had their prayers of biological parenthood answered. Why not us?
I came to the conclusion that I don't believe that God doesn't exist. Rather, I am very angry at God.
Seems kind of insolent, doesn't it? I first heard the phrase, 'I am angry at God' from my pastor as he gave a eulogy at my brother's funeral. It shocked me when I heard it, but I ended up finding solace in the statement during the healing process of my brother's death. We don't waste time being angry at things that don't exist. That wasn't all that was said in the eulogy. There was a lot about finding comfort in each other, and that we would find healing in God's arms when we are ready to accept it.
So, I'm about ready to accept it. We attended a service at our church a few weeks ago. The main catalyst for us attending was that the Episcopal Church is starting to focus on ministry for people who are experiencing the loss of miscarriage or infertility. Right up our alley.
I was surprised when we went to see familiar faces at the group. One person I knew by acquaintance had just been given a diagnosis by her doctor that she wouldn't be able to have children. Another friend who I've known for 15 years+ shared that she had had a miscarriage. I was blown away by both. It's surprising how wrapped up we've been in our own infertility that we've missed the pain of friends around us.
It seems like possibility has been sneaking up on us. The possibility of helping others through their journey as we go through ours. Without a doubt, I'm sure they can help us too.
