2 down, one to go.

We have now met with our wonderful social worker from Children's Home Society for the second time last night.  After our first meeting, I really thought she was going to stamp our file with a big red 'X' and the word 'CRAZY!' written under it.  She was very clinical with us in the first meeting, going through a questionaire we had filled out.  Both meetings lasted a little over 2 hours.

If you couldn't tell, I was nervous going into our sessions with our social worker.  First of all, it's a social worker.  Social workers get involved with families generally when there is a problem with the family dynamic.  At least, that's the stigma.  In reality, social workers help families get back on course, and are not the enemy.  Still, admitting that you need professional help is difficult.  Lord knows, I've probably needed professional help for years.

Secondly, it's hard to be questioned about your life, your choices, your decisions.  The 'kid in me' screams about how unfair it is that we get grilled about our life, while other families, even other infertile couples, get to have families without the Spanish Inquisition.  The adult in me realizes, that it really isn't the Spanish Inquisition.  In fact, our social worker's primary weapon is the comfy cushion. She just wants to make sure we aren't worthy of the CRAZY! stamp.  She was really sweet in walking us through our background, offering her own experience in adoption to help us make difficult decisons about what child we want. 

Yeah, it's kind of like, 'Build-a-Bear'.  We went through a list of diseases we were willing to accept, what level of disability, or 'abnormality' was okay.  What gender.  How old.  Things like that.  She was sweet, as I mentioned.  But firm.  Realistic.  Ugh.  The optimist in me says I can handle anything, overcome any obstacle.  The practical side of me was glad for her making us think about where the rubber hits the road.

The easiest example is our thought about the age of a child.  We told her we would be open to any age group of children under 24 months.  We just wanted to make sure we weren't so choosey that it would take five years for the proper child to be found.  She suggested we should do some research on toddler adoption before we commit to an older child.

Turns out, it's pretty hard to adopt a toddler.  Life has pretty much taught them you can't trust anyone, that every caregiver will leave you sooner or later.  You take control by trying to shop for your own new mommy, even though there maybe someone trying to be your actual mommy.  Mommy's come an go, so treat them how you want.

It's called attachment and bonding disorder, and it's common amongst all kids who have had multiple caregivers.  Most children can get over it, if they are given the proper support and care by their adoptive parents.  Kids under one years old tend to be a bit more resilient, and have probably lost fewer caregivers, so the process for helping these kiddos, while difficult and intense, is possible.  Older children, who have the capacity to deal with their disorder through language can also work through the grief caused by attachment and bonding disorder.  Toddlers are in a unique stage that makes it more difficult.  Optimistically, a toddler will work through the disorder with the help of their adoptive parents in a matter of 1-3 years.  Most people who choose to adopt toddlers know exactly what they are getting into, and understand the work required to adopt toddler.  According to one study we read, Parents who specifically choose to adopt toddlers will feel the happiest about the outcomes of their adoption process.  Parents who choose toddler adoption as a second or third choose, do not.

Since we fall into the second category, we decided an infant is more up the alley.  There was a fleeting sense of sadness when we came to this conclusion, but logically, it wouldn't be right for the child.  They deserve better.

Our second meeting with our social worker was fun.  We laughed.  We talked more about our backgrounds, our families, our losses, and times we felt like the minority.  We nailed down that adopting from Ethiopia was a good choice, BUT there was an inkling that adopting from Colombia may be an option for us, too.  It may take a little extra work so that we can get the paperwork done before Angie turns 39, but still possible.  And it will probably take less time to wait for a child than with Ethiopia.

Choices, choices, so many choices....

Tune in next time when she actually visits our home!