Dreams Change

This probably won't be the same as the first thing I was typing as it ended up lost before it was saved - darn computer!!!!... but I think the emotions that I had at that moment are still real enough for me to try and rewrite this one. Lesson I keep forgetting: Type in Microsoft word and save save save...then copy and paste!!!

"We are a family in waiting. I can't..." was the only thing saved. Let me try starting with this again ;p

We are a family in waiting! I can't believe the feeling of relief or how stressed I had been until I promptly fell asleep on the couch, taking a solid nap from 7 pm to 9 pm that evening after the last home study meeting with our social worker.

The reality is a bit like the reality of my engagement was after receiving the ring from Charlie. I feel surreal as if I'm walking on another planet, taking in the sight of grass that is the color of bright red or deep purple and tree trunks are green and the leaves a sienna brown!

The things that seemed so inaccessible to me: true love and children of my/our own have now become reality.

When it was apparent we were suffering infertility, I decided I wanted to adopt right away - I had always wanted to adopt- not that I wasn't suffering or grieving the loss of being able to produce a child physically - that was huge. But having a child, I could see at the beginning of our infertility experience, was the point ... and not only the point, but the key to our fulfillment as a family. So I was ready to jump on a plane for eight weeks in Colombia. New in our marriage, Charlie wasn't ready for that. And with a partner, you become a unit - decision maker - conscientious of the needs and evolution of the significant other.

That and a doctor telling you that your ovaries (at that point) were not completely consumed by the endometriosis and you still had a chance.

As a young person in my twenties, conscious of health news, always proclaimed that if I ever had issues having a child, I would NEVER do fertility drugs. So here I was... confronted and feeling the time ticking ever since I turned 29...

I remember the moment. I was at St. Joan of Arc Church and the father in front of me was a ferris wheel, arcing his daughter into the air. And still at the top of the ferris wheel, I looked into her face - she smiling back at me--- and, flashback... boy, I mean girl, she looked like me when I was a child. I saw my baby picture and tears suddenly flooded my eyes ...and knew that I wanted to be a mother.

I did the fertility drugs. And over and over - we tried for nearly a year.

The endometriosis got worse and worse (especially from the estrogenic drugs!!!) and we failed time and time again to have a physical pregnancy. Now on the mend from the issues I put my body through, I know through this experience, that this infertility goddess, has learned now to always take care of herself, give her body what it needs - good nutrition, rest, less refined sugar, and art time/walking and activities amongst the busy times of work and play.

I come first...

Without me, there will be noone to care for my Charlie, Cassie and Foster...there will be no Ang to care for a new son/daughter who will be the best blessing to both of us....

So here I am.

So here we are. Together, and one. After even this experience - more ready to be parents than ever before. Perhaps, all parents should have to go through a bout of infertility. However, I would wish it on no...not anyone. Not even someone I despise.

The biological dream has died for me. I think in this last December, I have been happier than ever for the short days. Slowly, the wisps of the old dream crept away, evaporating like water to the clouds or the sun's rays on Solstice day. Away and into another time continuum. It is no longer present here on this earth.

The term coming from our social worker's mouth " You are a waiting family". I felt a beginning of a new dream - sun rays coming down, bringing a new possibility and a wondering so strong as to what our new child will look like. Whomever she or he is, you are going to be a blessing to us.

The social worker mentioned Colombia as a possibility. Charlie and I had started to have our hearts set on Ethiopia and yet, the wait time for an infant had become two years with that program recently.

Since we are open to a child of African descent we could possibly have a wait time anywhere from four months to two years in a Colombian adoption, but more likely on the short end because of all the Afro-Colombian kids/infants waiting for a home.

We grieve another time - we had started to dream of Ethiopia.

Again, though, the rays started to shine earlier for me than Charlie - ah, four months? A possibility of having the possibility to build our family in 4 months rather than 2 years??

Wow. Wow, I whisper reverently.

and I hope.